Feeling lost as though a fog fell around me I cried out in silence
Children, Family and Friends on the other side leaving me here to age without them.
My efforts are feeling like burdens, and knowing that I must go on, I do just that.
I put one foot in front of the other, working days pass, money changes hands and I give my best.
While others enjoy their holiday I feel alone. I have given all I can and am missing my dear one who left all too soon for heaven. I know I will see them again, but today, right now, this minute, I could use their shoulder to cry on... their ears to speak to... their hand to hold to pull me up out of this despair.
Life can become so monotonous. The will to live is with us, but part of us left you see...
A suicide, a painful death, even the normal aging and consequential death of the loved on... and part of us right this minute, feels like we went with them.
What's the point! I cried out in my head to the other side. I'm so very tired. I've given all I have to everyone I can. What is the point of this time in my life, when children are grown, parents and elders are gone and I feel so alone. Thinking of those that came before I gird my loins and batten down the hatches and prepare for a storm.
You see, this storm comes to everyone who continues on... at one point or another. It's part of the cycle of life. The natural progression of things. You may be 20, 39, 57, 69, 74 or 83 or more... and you're wondering what the good heavens are thinking to have you be here at this moment.
It's not that you lack motivation or intellect. You're happy to help your family and friends and you give a fair days work for a fair days pay. You've gotten past having to know what the basic rules are... or at least you thought you did, and you get it, you've got that and so on.
These days, when life is going so fast that the postman doesn't even have time to deliver the mail and you yearn for a pen and ink post from afar to lift your spirits as in days gone by... these days, it seems so much about survival of the fittest... and maybe we're just not feeling fit for the fight that society presents to us. In fact, we don't care about politics or why the taxes have quadrupled... we just want to be able to enjoy a bit of life.
The pain comes in waves when you've lost someone you love. You can go for months, maybe years and it will hit you again like it just happened. You've connected with them on the other side and you know they still are okay, that peace is there... but right now, it's their presence you need. You're sick and tired of hearing about how everyone's vacations with family here and there were so grand and you secretly wish for some of that. You know better, you know the grass is not greener on the other side and you know that most people present their life to others in a nicely made package complete with ribbon and sparkle. You know that their need is to appear like they've got it all, and you know that's a lie, because they don't, you feel it, you see beyond their facade and you chuckle at the same time saying a silent prayer for them because you feel like maybe they are worse off than you... at least you're honest with yourself!
Then a light goes off, just when you're feeling like there is no more to give. A sudden intuitive lightning bolt strikes your very core and wakes you from your reverie of sadness and desolation and just plain exhaustion. "You've got to focus on tomorrow" is what you're left thinking. The bolt has left a message... and you're suddenly awakened from that awful dream.
To get through this mire of quicksand of devastation in our lives, we have to have a reason to keep going! This isn't really news, we've known this for a long time, we think. Yet... it feels different this time. We know it was heaven sent, an answer to our silent cry for help, because we're feeling so much better. All we know, is that we have to focus on tomorrow while living today. We know that tomorrow may never come, but that feeling hit us so strong that we must start focusing on tomorrow!
It really doesn't matter where you are today. It really doesn't matter anymore, I should say.
Where you are now is a result of yesterdays efforts. It's tomorrow we need to create and that is what you are doing right NOW! So suddenly you're awakened, revived and feeling that a ray of hope was sent to you. Well, you know that it was, because you're fully aware of inspiration and intuition.
Suddenly it's all changed, and you're dreaming again of possibilities. You've found a new reason to live and you know full well that you still have some quicksand to go around and some work to do until you're at "tomorrow", but you're feeling stronger and stronger with every passing moment. The answer wasn't in a bottle or a pill or on lying on a couch sharing your story with someone. The answer was sent in a lightning bolt of hope... a rope sent from somewhere unseen... in the form of a single phrase that hit you upside the head and shook you awake again!
You are here for a reason. You've got not just keep going on the same well worn path, but you've got to dream again! Let yourself dream of possibilities for the future, not just one, two or three but dozens!
For it is in this dreaming that you are creating not only your future... but the future of anyone whose life you touch in that time. We all affect one another, whether we would like to believe that or not... we do.
You'll still visit the gravesite, remember the happy times, miss them.... and you know the feelings will come again... but for now, it is "You've got to focus on tomorrow", and your dreaming again with anticipation, with excitement. You're thinking of ways to support one of your many causes. You're getting a glimpse of an idea of something new for you... and you're not "back on track", you're building a whole new track to a new place you've never been before in your life!
The message is simple. Go THROUGH the darkness, let GO of the pain and if all the strength you have is to send out a silent screaming prayer for help to your higher power, then do it. Have FAITH that the answer will come and repeat this until it does... because it will! We are not alone in body. We have unseen guests, unseen angels, unseen guides and more help from Heaven than I can mention right now.
They will throw you the rope you ask for and send you the message you are so thirsty for... but you must ask, and more importantly, you must shake yourself out of the darkness and hold on to the ray of hope they send you. That spark of inspiration is where your life begins anew.... It's up to you to take it from there, and to remember to keep asking them for help... and listen for the answers along the way.
With many blessings of hope to you and yours~
Karla/Spirited
